Added: Telicia Garza - Date: 14.09.2021 18:46 - Views: 43610 - Clicks: 3799
Conflict is inevitable. Anger protects feelings of vulnerability, abandonment, shame, fear, and loneliness. In an excellent visual, entitled the Anger Iceberg, Dr. Gottman effectively depicts anger and the primary emotions that lurk beneath the surface. Some mistakenly believe that avoiding conflict keeps a marriage together. Repressed feelings often lead to anger that gets activated to protect raw, vulnerable emotions beneath the anger. Alice reminds George to take out the garbage.
George, the sole breadwinner, willingly works 50 hours a week. But lately, he has felt lonely, unappreciated, and taken for granted by Alice. For her part, Alice, a reluctant stay-at-home mom, bottles up her feelings of resentment, loneliness, and jealousy. She reacts angrily, and before they know it, George and Alice are dueling it out.
Had they dealt with their feelings of disappointment, loneliness, fear, and dissatisfaction as the feelings arose, they might have avoided moving into anger and its pressure-cooker effect and the resulting escalation into a hostile battle. Eventually, George and Alice learned to look beneath the anger and identify the emotions that their anger was protecting. Then, with their anger diffused and armed with a better understanding of how each felt, they found it easier to talk about their feelings of disappointment, resentment, and loneliness.
Some people learned from their parents that fighting is the way to solve problems. Sometimes helplessness and rage simultaneously emerge when people fear they cannot get what they want. Often, people in the battle mindset find it challenging to control their anger. Add unresolved and pent-up anger to poor anger management skills and things will quickly spin out of control. Their battle scars stick around in the form of resentment and bitterness that prevent good communication. As members of the military know when at war armies must follow specific rules of engagement. The same goes for competitive sports and martial arts.
No matter how frustrated or angry the combatant feels, they must follow the rules. Failure to reign in anger and impulsive, reactionary behavior usually in penalties.
Try to express your feelings before they start to poison you and your relationship. Bottled up feelings often lead to angry outbursts when triggered. Take turns speaking. Work at listening to what your partner is saying, rather than rehearsing your response. Would you help me clean the house for our guests? Know what you need to feel loved by your spouse. Seek solutions that are mutually beneficial. Awareness of your negative habits and behaviors is the springboard to change.
Once you become aware, the logical next step is to gain an understanding of their negative impact on your relationship. This awareness and understanding serve as a foundation to motivate you to eliminate and replace bad habits and behaviors with positive thoughts and actions.
If your spouse is willing, read the 20 rules together aloud. Finally, in the spirit of better communication, commit to working together to be mindful of the rules. Knowing how to communicate without fighting will help to reduce negativity and tension and lead to a happier marriage. You and your spouse are unique individuals. No doubt, there are times when the two of you disagree. Conflict is a necessary and essential component of even the most harmonious relationships. You each have different thoughts and feelings and needs and wants.
Sometimes those needs and wants get out of synch. To get on the samethe sooner you talk out your differences, the less time turmoil will invade your relationship. Abiding by these 20 rules will make a big difference. Next, spending time identifying what you need and want in your marriage. Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner Dr.
Jerry Duberstein to offer private couples retreats in the quaint seaport, Portsmouth, NH. By Jerry on November 14, in Marriage. How to Communicate with Clarity in Relationships. There are always new ways to nurture and improve your relationship. You'll also be the first to hear about new ways to connect with us like our upcoming free monthly calls! Don't miss a thing. up below.How to communicate with your husband
email: [email protected] - phone:(137) 845-8287 x 7473
10 Rules for Good Communication With Your Husband